Forging ahead because I feel like if I take any kind of significant break here, I’ll simply give up and go back to sleep for the day, I’ve got three Twilight movies to squeeze in to the remainder of this hungover Sunday. Timewise, I’m well on track to get this done, but New Moon especially has dampened my resolve. I’m hoping that the series ups the ante from here, having established the vermpurrs and the wehhwarrfs (I’m sticking with this deliberate meme-esque misspelling because, hell, it amuses me and something has to). We ended the last movie with Bella wanting to be made into a vermpurr and Edward wanting to marry her. And Jacob wanting, errm, a groom maybe?
*Deep breath* Let’s see what’s next…
14:39 pm: Right. Refilled my drink. Got some painkillers. Come at me, bro. Twilight: Eclipse (2010)
14:40: Random guy gets attacked in the rain. I have a sudden craving for gummy sweets, but I’m certainly not stopping or leaving the house. I contemplate putting out a request over social media in the hopes some poor soul will take pity on me and bring me some (this never happened in the end).
14:42: Here’s Edward, all sparkly in the sun with Bella. Edward gives Bella an example of a compromise. Pattinson seems now to be taking his acting cues from Tommy Wisseau. She won’t marry him; he won’t turn her. What a sticky situation.
14:46: This film very much carries on as if it were part of the last, it seems. Commendable in a way, but I was kinda hoping for some set piece or other to up the ante. Isn’t that kind of thing… expected? I guess I crave familiarity in my mainstream blockbusters. Ah well, early days…
14:51: Looks like we might be going for a supernatural private detective angle this time. Bella’s dad is employing my level of sarcasm.
14:54: I’m Facebook-chatting instead of paying attention already. Wait… is that Nina from 24? Has she been in these all along??
14:55: Meanwhile the rest of the vermpurrs are standing in a gloomy forest like they’re waiting to take part in an HBO photoshoot. You’re not in True Blood, guys.
14:57: Guess this is my set piece. Bad CG wehhwarrfs chasing vermpurrs by the river. *Yawn* *Stretch*
15:04: Everyone’s still everyone! Hooray!
15:05: Little bit of research while absolutely nothing happens advises me that David Slade is at the helm here, having previously offered us 30 Days Of Night and Hard Candy. Does this mean there’s some edgier material on the way? So far the most threatening thing we have to contend with is Billy Burk’s moustache.
15:09: Points for self-awareness as Edward becomes the first one to ask whether Jacob even has a shirt.
15:14: Campfire backstory fleshes out some history for Jacob and his tribe, which helps even out the balance in screen time between the two factions a little. However this installment hasn’t really taken off yet at all and we’ve over half an hour in. On a positive note, that places me very nearly halfway through the entire story.
15:21: Jacob’s giving Bella ultimatums, kinda being a bit of a pushy jackass. Take the hint, fella.
15:22 Ha! She punched him in the face! Time to go see Dr Pouty Face.
15:23: I’m honestly not sure what the point of this film is.
15:28: Jeez. Some random screaming just jolted me out of a doze. Guessing these are the Seattle vampires making headlines now?
15:31: Hey, its Graduation Day. Anna Kendrick gives a speech. Pattinson’s Edward looks nervous, possibly trying to work out if he can enroll again next year.
15:32: Is there some contractual obligation for a Muse song to appear in each of these?
15:38: Some sort of training montage. I’m fighting sleep properly now.
16:09: Okay. That was necessary. I feel a whole lot more alert now for that half hour. Damn, Eclipse has been draining. But I’m halfway through it so I’ll try to bring some new energy to proceedings, yeah? (The hangover was definitely blameless in all of this. Definitely).
16:11: More flashbacks for characters I can’t even name. This time Blondie-Bear Vermpurr. Jasper or something. This whole movie feels like a bridging piece to be honest, getting us ready for the Breaking Dawns. The light from outside is growing golden. Sunday is disappearing…
16:18: “Dude, you really don’t want to start comparing stinks” is actual dialogue here. Gotta admit I’ve tuned out again completely. I’m really hoping the final two movies feature the kind of nuttiness I’ve heard tell of.
16:22: ‘The talk’. I know there’s a baby story coming, so this is some tasty foreshadowing I guess. C’mon, movie! Gimme something to work with! Gimme some funny!
16:27: Edward knocks back Bella again. Meanwhile I’m getting prawn cracker crumbs everywhere.
16:30: Well, he tricked her into an engagement there, didn’t he. Sneaky, sneaky!
16:32: Nice beanie, Bella. Actually meant that bit. I would totally wear that beanie too.
16:33: Will someone buy Jacob a shirt? This isn’t a double standard thing; if Bella was wandering around this whole movie in just her bra I’d be just as concerned. Poor exploited Lautner. He’s just so much beefcake.
16:35: Oh man I hate camping. Wait, is this about to go into a weird threeway place? I can only speculate on the amount of slash fiction that this one scene produced. Are there special compartments of the internet to contain it?
16:40: This extended conversation scene in the tent between Edward and Jacob is fairly well written too, addressing a lot of baggage that this series has been picking up. Fair play, actually.
16:41: Wait, no, still had to have a colossal moment of bullshit in there. Nevermind, we nearly had a moment there.
16:42: Jeez, THERE’S SNOW EVERYWHERE. Just… Just take the boy to Burtons.
16:43: “Jake… stay.” How about roll over? Play dead? Beg?
16:47: LOTS OF NOT-VERY-INTERESTING FIGHTING! Apparently when you hit a vermpurr it sounds like someone dropping a sack full of pennies.
16:51: Mildly more engaging fight scene. Bella cuts herself, either to distract the vermpurrs or simply to find a way out of this story. It’s about six or one, half a dozen of the other.
16:53: So are these vermpurrs made out of flammable porcelain? I’m assuming I’ve missed something in my heavy-eyed internet browsing.
16:55: You can tell the bad vermpurrs have turned up because of the extra slow-mo and music video wind. And the escalation in terrible dialogue.
16:58: The end of this movie is in sight, which is handy as my hangover is pressing me about the frozen pizza and potato skins squatting in the freezer as a reward for getting so far. Carbs are required to get through this endurance test. I really wanted to give Twilight the benefit of the doubt, thinking it couldn’t possibly be as bad as either Fast & Furious or Step Up. Not *really*. But what it lacks in similar levels of stupidity it more than makes up for in staggering banality.
17:01: Basically, I’m having to dig deep here to come up with things to say half the time. Snarknado level: Floundering.
17:03: “I’ve always felt out of step, literally stumbling through my life” Yeah, Bella, we’ve seen how clumsy you are all the time.
17:06: Credits. No two ways about it; that movie was exceptionally hard work. I can’t imagine how it would feel seeing it separate from the rest. Where are the highlights? What is the shape of that film? This two-part finale has a lot of work to do. A lot. 0.5/5
Break for the heating of aforementioned junk foods.
* * * * *
17:39: Okay, refuelling with pizza and potato skins, with new resolve and having begrudgingly clambered into the coveralls I bought for Halloween as a makeshift onesie, let’s get this done. Next up Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (2011)
17:40: The Summit logo at the start of each of these is feeling more and more like an image of Mount Doom as I stagger through Mordor. Except it’s not getting any closer.
17:42: Tomorrow!? The wedding’s tomorrow? Jeepers.
17:43: “I haven’t told you everything about myself…” Always, always, ALWAYS the harbinger of doom. I sense some exposition, maybe even a flashback…
17:48: That’s a REALLY white wedding. I need sunglasses. Oh, wait, dreamtime.
17:50: I am enjoying Billy Burk’s continuing droll comments about how weird everything is.
17:52: And Anna Kendrick’s joining in too! Bonus! Actually the wedding is still pretty white, but with a healthy amount of green also.
17:54: This walk down the aisle is almost as long as that runway in Fast 6.
17:56 I’ve just realised that ALL of these vermpurrs remind me of contestants on The Apprentice.
17:59: This speeches montage is actually pretty fun. I’m definitely enjoying this film the most since the first, for what that’s worth.
18:02: SOMEONE BOUGHT JACOB A SHIRT. Snarknado level: Whipping up.
18:12: Nice digs for a Honymoon…
18:15: Pre-sexy-time montage. This series is definitely pro-montage.
18:17: So… How does he, erm… perform? You know, the whole blood flow issue… (He’s also going to have to pay for that bed frame. Ruined.)
18:19: Sexy-time remembrance montage!
18:23: What-to-do-when-your-husband-won’t-have-sex-with-you montage!
18:29: So… he wrote her a note to say he’d be back before she wakes up… so why leave a note at all…
18:33: Honeymoon’s over I guess! Edward’s a fast but sloppy packer. How do vermpurrs feel about periods anyway…?
18: 38: It’s a mystical pregnancy! And nobody knows what to do! They ought to research by watching TV’s Angel, they had loads of these.
18:42: Everyone has slightly more sensible hair when they’re worried. Interesting.
18:46: Dodgy-looking wehhwarrf anger-management montage!
18:48: Really bad wehhwarrf meeting. Every time they do a fade to black I think/hope I’m at the end of the movie. So many teases.
18:54: Disturbing-Google-images-as-research montage! (Is the Cullen house the same one from The Ice Storm? Kinda looks like it). Dr Pouty Face delivers some more bad news.
18:55: This ‘incompatible’ baby story has almost morphed us into body horror territory. Nevertheless, this is still liable to go down as one of the most masochistic days in my recent history.
19:03: Where’s that Jack Daniels…?
19:07: A lot of the last 20 minutes has been furrowed brows over Bella’s ever-growing pregnancy problem.
19:10: Renesmee is a fucking terrible name.
19:12 Woah, we’ve careered into a pretty bonkers traumatic birth sequence! Stewart looks positively skeletal. Edward… eats the baby out of her?!? These are Prometheus levels of crazy. And they’re still going to call the damned thing Renesmee. After all it’s been through!
19:17: Time for the life-or-death gnawing of your spouse’s limbs montage!
19:19: THAT BABY HAS A WEIRD PHOTOSHOPPED FACE!!! IT’S… IT’S… AN EVIAN BABY!!!
19:21: Vermpurrs versus wehhwarrfs. Again.
19:23: This. Is. Incredibly. Silly. …and actually, whisper it… all the better for it.
19:25: It’s the montage-of-the-movie-we’ve-been-watching montage! REALLY!?!?
19:26: Credits! In fun red, black and cream. And an extra bit, tipped by crediting Michael Sheen before his actual appearance… And that? That was ridiculous. But ridiculous is better than the tedium of those middle installments. I’m going to give that a kind 2/5 just for being agreeably batshit crazy. And because that means there’s only one more to go!
* * * * *
19:40: Twlight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 (2012)
19:41: And this time, fittingly, the Summit logo rushes toward us. We’ve arrived! Mount Doom!
19:42: Nice opening titles on this one. Very disturbed that Anna Kendrick isn’t credited though…
19:44: So I guess Bella’s a vermpurr now, ey? I didn’t think they’d really take it this far, so this is a fairly pleasing development.
19:46: Oh my. The running-through-the-forest sequence. About as doolally as any of this has been so far.
19:51: Every time someone says ‘Renesmee I just want to face palm myself until I forget about it.
19:52: That is one creepy CGI baby.
19:54: “I’ve held her one time, Jacob, and you think you have some kind of moronic wolfy claim on her!?” and “NESSIE!? YOU NICKNAMED MY DAUGHTER AFTER THE LOCH NESS MONSTER?!?” have swiftly, single-handedly made this entire day worth it. Stunning cinema.
19:59: Vermpurr sexytime is going on, but I’m still recovering from the Loch Ness monster comment.
20:04: Jacob stripping in front of Billy Burk and saying, “This may seem strange… Really strange” caps another classic scene. Why weren’t New Moon and Eclipse this mental? Snarknado level: impossible to tell.
20:06: How to act human: “Move around, blink, slouch.” Yup, that’s us!
20:09: This installment has by far the best dialogue of the series. Billy Burk gets to say: “I’ve just watched a kid I’ve known his entire life turn into a very large dog, and my daughter… looks like my daughter… but doesn’t!”
20:12: Billy Burk says Renesmee like someone put a dick in his mouth that he wasn’t expecting.
20:13: Time for vermpurr arm-wrestling. Obviously. And CGI rock-punching. It’s like watching World’s Strongest And Dumbest Man, But with Kristen Stewart winning everything.
20:14: Oh, look, my daughter levitates while I talk to a giant wolf. Bella’s life is not your life. Suck it.
20:18: What’s-her-face from LOST has gone to see Michael Sheen. In other, less necessary news, I’m trimming my toenails.
20:20: Dr Pouty-Face gets some exposition to share. Snarknado level: Blustery.
20:23: The narration is back. Fuck yes.
20:24: All right, everybody, let’s meet up at the Canadian ski-lodge and form a Swedish pop supergroup. Eurovision will be ours! (Probably not how this is going to go, but it’d make as much sense as anything else).
20:27: None of these vermpurrs go sparkly in the sun anymo – oh, shit me, that dude’s controlling the water in his fish pond for, err, some reason! Oh, “Benjamin can control the elements”. Okay. Any more justification or reasoning for why he can do that? Or the limits of this incredible power? I mean, wouldn’t he live as a God on Earth? Any exposition for this guy? Nope? C’mon, there’s so much exposition you could at least…? Nope? Nothing? Fine.
20:31: Elizabeth Reaser has the biggest forehead I’ve seen in a very long time. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, just vast.
20:34: Vermpurrs versus Wehhwarrfs. Again. Jeez, these two Eurovermps look like the originators of the sex offender’s register.
20:38: Now this bunch of other vermpurrs are sucking up the black smoke from LOST with their fingertips. Or possibly expelling it… Nothing’s really surprising anymore. If this film ends with Mars colliding with the moon, I think I’d just sort of shrug and go, “Yeah, okay.”
20:40: Everyone tries having a thumb war with Electro-Girl (yeah, there’s one of those now).
20:45: I’m into the last hour. I’m 90% of the way through Twilight.
20:47: It’s Bunk from The Wire!
20:50: Emotions! Narration! Montage!
20:52: Breaking Dawn Part 2 joins the list of improbable Christmas films.
20:57: I’ll be honest… I don’t really know what’s going on anymore, other than we’re getting near the end so it’s time for a big fight. Everyone stand in a big snowy field and stare at each other, okay? Now you, Dr Pouty Face, step forward…
20:59: Michael Sheen obviously enjoyed chewing the line, “I WILL COLLECT EVERY FACET OF THE TRUTH!” And then makes THIS FACE:
21:08: …And goes on to describe Renesmee as “half mortal, half immortal”. Errm…….?
21:13: Nope, still trying to figure out how that works…
21:15: I think it’s fair to assume once you’ve chin-kicked Martin Sheen into the sky, it’s time for that big ol’ scrap to happen.
21:16: Ooof! The Poutiest Face!
21:16:30: Everyone run at everyone!
21:19: Misc. chaos. Bad CGI wehhwarrfs. Lots of decapitation. Dakota Fanning? Vermpurrs slapping one another. Mr Elements fisting the ground. Basically all sorts is happening. It’s all a bit naff. Which is appropriate, I suppose.
21:22: Ooof! The Chelseaest smile! And in a 12A too.
21:23: I throw my wife at you!
21:24… only not really. Okay. So that big fight never happened. Fine. Is Mars here yet?
21:28: I think we’re into final wrap-up territory now. Whatever was happening seems to have been resolved, more or less. The shonky dialogue’s been the best part of this final installment, but it’s all so much nonsense that none of it can be taken seriously anymore. The super serious tone of the first movie’s been well and truly ditched. This is probably one of the nuttiest things I’ve ever watched.
21:30: Super full-on close-ups of Pattinson and Stewart. I feel invaded.
21:31: 5 movie montage! OBVIOUSLY!
21:32: It’s been a hard road. Eclipse especially. But at least I didn’t get as wound up as I did at the end of Step Up… I suppose that’s something. And now, at least, I know. I know what Twilight is. Kinda. Actually, I’m still not sure. I mean, I…
21:33: OH, CREDITS! I MADE IT. And they even shoehorned in a little credit for Anna Kendrick even though she wasn’t in this last one. Where was I? Trying to sum this up? Well fuck that noise. Who the hell even cares anyway? Twihards are gonna love it regardless. The rest of us? This is one of blockbuster cinema’s dappiest stories. And this final film in the saga gets a 1.5/5
That’s it. The end. Do I feel satisfied? Do I fuck.
What the hell do I do now?