Review: Heart Eyes

Director:  Josh Ruben

Stars:  Jordana Brewster, Mason Gooding, Olivia Holt

Joining the mighty Malignant in the burgeoning subgenre of deeply unserious horror movies set in Seattle this decade, Heart Eyes is further proof that ‘elevation’ is over. Punchy, gutsy, funny horror is back in a big way, and it makes a kind of sense. Who needs lengthy essays on living with trauma when we’re all being collectively traumatised on a daily basis? With a capitalist eye on the slasher movie resurgence, here comes a calculated Scream clone ready to tap another commercial holiday for some annual box office takings.

Wouldn’t you know it? There’s a masked killer stalking America, hitting a different big city every Valentine’s Day, making merry mincemeat of the romantically inclined in a seemingly hate-fuelled assault on the young and in love. A vineyard-set cold open eagerly mocks influencer fakery as our mystery murderer targets a couple performing multiple takes of their own proposal for a lurking cameraman. It culminates in the movie’s squishiest kill. But for all the set-up’s promise of cynicism in the face of greetings card mentality, Heart Eyes transpires to be deeply infatuated with the cheesy clichés of the romcom, going through them like a gleeful tickbox exercise.

This fondness is evident from the over-the-top coffee shop meet-cute between disenfranchised advertising copywriter Ally (Olivia Holt) and the dashingly sentimental Jay (Mason Gooding – also of Scream). Of course he’s the new recruit brought in to turn around Ally’s PR blunder at the firm! Jay sets a ‘work date’ that evening – it’s February 14th, you know – and the course of the movie is set. Like the original Scream, the rest unfolds over the course of one tumultuous night, as the at-large ‘Heart Eyes Killer’ misconstrues their connection and targets them for termination.

While Heart Eyes models itself on Scream, the whodunnit aspect is mostly left redundant thanks to a labored clue pointing in the right direction and a propensity for ruling out potential suspects at speed. The focus instead is to play-up the romcom aspect, more often indulging a trope than lambasting it. There’s really no way of taking any of this seriously, as its evident that Josh Ruben’s film takes place in a reality divorced from our own, one guided by Hollywoodisms like make-over montages or Scary Movie-style gross-out humour (which Heart Eyes tilts toward frequently). The presence of Christopher Landon (Happy Death Day, Freaky) as co-writer/producer undoubtedly played a part in this.

Mason Gooding leans into his capacity to play the heartthrob. He and Olivia Holt have just enough chemistry to see us through the rather leisurely amp-up before the major stretch of bloody carnage ensues. Devon Sawa brings a touch of horror royalty to proceedings thanks to his tenure in both Chucky and Final Destination, but it’s Jordana Brewster who really takes the goofy premise of Heart Eyes to task. This latter pair of seasoned players are the Seattle cops on the trail of ‘HEK’ – their character names among the movie’s most eye-roll inducing attempts at meta humour.

A good slasher needs an effective killer. While the glowing red hearts in this one’s mask are both striking and, it turns out, creepily functional, it’s a mixed result overall. For one, they look like Paul Dano’s Riddler, and once that’s set-in it’s hard to un-see. For another, their MO of targeting couples seems to be as slapdash and happenstance as a number of their collateral damage kills along the way. As horror rampages go, this is sloppy even in the wake of recent Scream outings. Heart Eyes constantly feels on the verge of breaking down completely, yet also suffers a visible lack of self-confidence, prone to spelling-out connections in a manner that assumes it’s audience is a bit stupid, or hasn’t been paying attention. Whether this is playing homage to the broad compulsions of ’80s slasher flicks or assuming a longevity on streaming (where no-one pays attention anyway) is unclear.

If the ambition is a franchisable commodity – as sellable as Valentine’s Day itself – then it needs to up it’s smarts going forward. This is one anniversary that is going to be tough to remember this time next year. “So American, so cringe” was the snappy summation I overheard from another patron on exiting the theatre. Heart Eyes nails the traits of the classic Hollywood romcom with far more assurance than it does those of the aggressive modern slasher.